"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."
~ Groucho Marx ~

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
~ Henry Youngman ~

"If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police."
~ Robert Louis Stevenson ~

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
~ George Burns ~

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
~ Oscar Wilde ~

"Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three."
~ Billie Holiday ~

"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them."
~ Ogden Nash ~

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city."
~ George Burns ~

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
~ Rita Rudner ~

"Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that."
~ Anonymous ~

"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam."
~ Johnny Carson ~

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
~ Rodney Dangerfield ~