I said to the wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in this road except one." And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck up Phyllis at number 23."
~ Max Kauffmann ~

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
~ Garry Shandling ~

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.
~ Jeff Shaw ~

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
~ Jimmy Carter ~

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
~ Ronnie Barker ~

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
The doctor says, 'It's old age.'
The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.'
The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
~ Tommy Cooper ~

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.
~ Billy Connolly ~

We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.
~ Gene Perret ~

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.
~ Henry Youngman ~

I've got a very poor sense of direction. I keep forgetting which way is forwards.
~ Geoffrey Parfitt `

I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me.
~ Anonymous ~

So one day as a kid I was at the local Zoo. I was bored and kept pestering my Dad to go and play. Eventually he agreed, took me over to the lion enclosure, threw me in and said: "There ya go, play dead..."
~ Robert Paul ~

The fastest way to make your own Anti-freeze is to hide her nightgown.
~ Unknown ~

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?"
"No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"
~ Milton Berle ~

There's an old saying - There's No Place Like Home. Well, I went in the house next door, and it was very similar.
~ Geoffrey Parfitt ~