I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
~ Jack Benny ~

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
~ Emo Philips ~

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
~ Monica Piper ~

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
~ Frank Carson ~

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas... I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'
~ Steven Wright ~

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
~ Eric Sykes ~

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
~ Carl Zwanzig ~

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
~ Jack Handey ~

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
~ Rodney Dangerfield ~

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
~ Rodney Dangerfield ~

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
~ Wendy Leibman ~

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
~ Rodney Dangerfield ~

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
~ Henry Youngman (Goodfellas, 1990) ~

I write for Reader's Digest. It's not hard. All you do is copy out an article and mail it in again.
~ Milt Kamen ~