I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
~ Douglas Adams ~

Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!
~ Steven Wright ~

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
~ Rodney Dangerfield ~

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
~ Andy Rooney ~

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
~ Robert Frost ~

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman "It's plucking your eyebrows". That's how I originally got pierced ears.
~ Geri Jewell ~

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
~ Erma Bombeck ~

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
~ Bill Vaughan ~

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
~ Unknown ~

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
~ Will Rogers ~

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
~ Rita Rudner ~

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
~ Woody Allen ~

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
~ Albert Einstein ~

The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist.
~ Unknown ~

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken
~ Unknown ~

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
~ Noelie Altito ~