I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. ~ Douglas Adams

Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal! ~ Steven Wright

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. ~ Author Unknown

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. ~ Andy Rooney

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. ~ Robert Frost

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. ~ Author Unknown

There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened. ~ Mark Twain

You can't leave footprints in the sands of time if you are sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave footprints in the sand of time? ~ Author Unknown

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. ~ Author Unknown

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. ~ Author Unknown

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in the dark. ~ Author Unknown

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. ~ Erma Bombeck

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. ~ Bill Vaughan

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. ~ Author Unknown

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. ~ Will Rogers

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. ~ Rita Rudner

Some people hear voices, some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. ~ Author Unknown

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. ~ Author Unknown

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. ~ Oscar Wilde

You are never too old to learn something stupid. ~ Author Unknown

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. ~ Author Unknown

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. ~ Author Unknown

I could't repair your brakes, so I made your horns louder. ~ Author Unknown

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. ~ Woody Allen

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. ~ Albert Einstein

The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist. ~ Author Unknown

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. ~ Robin Williams

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken. ~ Author Unknown

The shortest distance between two points is under construction. ~ Noelie Altito

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend. ~ Jack Handy

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. ~ Author Unknown

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. ~ Author Unknown

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. ~ Stephen Wright

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~ Author Unknown

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. ~ Roseanne

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. ~ Author Unknown

When he who hears does not know what he who speaks means, and when he who speaks does not know what he himself means, that is philosophy. ~ Voltaire

Knowledge is power and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. ~ Author Unknown

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" ~ Jay Leno

Don't steal. The government hates competition. ~ Author Unknown

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. ~ Author Unknown

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. ~ Stephen Wright

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. ~ Woody Allen

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. ~ Mark Twain

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure. ~ Tommy Cooper

Parents must get across the idea that I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior. ~ Amy Vanderbilt

You can't lead a cavalry if you think that you look funny riding a horse. ~ John Peers

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one." ~ C.S. Lewis

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and whatever you hit call it the target. ~ Author Unknown

Sigmund Freud once said, What do women want? The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that. ~ Bill Cosby

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. ~ Alan Dundes

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces. ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Money lent to a friend must be recovered from an enemy. ~ German Proverb

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. ~ Steve Martin

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. ~ Albert Einstein

One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute. ~ William Feather

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. ~ Peter Tosh

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up. ~ Author Unknown